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Fora TV the world is thinking I my pleasure to welcome John Hodgman speaker John of well known and he's just written a book all that is all and I'm sure he's going to tell us what that means so without further due John Hodgman I my name is John Hodgman you may recognize me with a nice by you may recognize me is the author of the series a bestselling books of complete world knowledge but probably not it is more likely that you recognize me for my visits to the daily show with Jon Stewart or I portray the resident experts who comes in to solve all of Jon Stewart's problems but probably not probably if you recognize me at all you recognize me from a series of advertisements I did for the Apple computer Corporation in which I portrayed the personal computer I don't know what was going on in those ants frankly I guess I was supposed to be either some kind of human shapes computer in which case I would be an Android but it seemed equally likely that I was supposed to be a human would been trained to think as fast as a computer in which case ODM and taps thank you nerds the but all of that is over now for me my television advertisements came to him and I guess because we sold all the computers people use to come up to me on the street all the time and say a personal computer print this thing out for me they don't even ask me to get the red eye after their photographs anymore and it's frustrating to some really good at that they still appear on television from time to time but my fame has dwindled I've basically been black balled for motion pictures because I am growing very old and because of a genetic defect to cannot be photographed in three dimensions indeed very few people recognize me anymore even within my own family so I left largely alone do not feel bad for me the fact is I like it this way I'm glad now to lead it the simple and more humble life is a mere deranged millionaire the living by myself and my Park slope bunker with my millionaire is copies of growing moustaches germaphobia having Mormons injected with drugs ten reaching with my long fingernails hands back to my one great contribution to the world completes world knowledge it this is my third book of complete world knowledge it will be the last one one try one question in the dissolved this project from the start is how can you collects complete world knowledge within the pages of one two or even three books of about three hundred pages in length after all the world goes on new knowledge is constantly being generated and as it is generated I've learnt when I do not have time to learn it I make it up but it is true that is the world goes on there will never be complete world knowledge even I admit this so long as the world goes on luckily we don't have to worry about that much longer for if you own the calendar you'll know that this is two thousand eleven and a you own the calendar and don't rent it you'll know that is one scant year shy of two thousand and twelve go ahead do the math and if you own the Mayan long count calendar then your house is huge as those shits are made of stone and our being then you'll also note that on the Mayan long count calendar after December twenty first of two thousand twelve there is nothing the calendar ends us now I am not saying that the worlds is necessarily going to end in two thousand twelve consumed by fire and flood leaving only John Cusack alive the ancient Mayans were saying that to blame those guys bites I am keeping John Cusack prisoner in my basement just in case because you can't ignore the signs in recent times we've seen the tragic natural disasters world shaking political upheaval Twitter riots in London enforced mental retardation shots being administered and Texas everyday as I saw on Twitter when I was in busy writing in London ice on Twitter the manner that was missing an eye on pirate I presume that had a video camera installed in the time to single handedly welcome the singularity a cyborg pirate the collapse of the American economy thanks to the president's war on jobs and that doesn't even begin to touch on the rise of the ancient an unspeakable ones as they awaken from their dream a slumber beneath the waves to drown the world and lived which is going to happen soon according to the visions I had last night after accidentally used my asthma inhaler too many times when combined with Adsense also scary I just turned forty years old we see shit like this going down sorry kids we see this kind of year is happening in the world it's difficult not imagine something big is about to happen now not saying it's going to happen tomorrow or necessarily in that time the twenty first two thousand well for ten years when ten billion years when the sun explodes who knows probably in the coming year it seems to me the reality is that we're all mortal and whether we die and I sleep a hundred years from now or eaten by the same team and independently mobile keep them shut down if the tooth storm next June twenty third precisely in the end we're all consumed and so I bring you this book most likely be the last book will ever be published United States revealing to you all the information that you need to know before the end and in addition some handy information on travel tips and ghosts in food wine and magic tricks so let's talk about magic tricks for a moment before I get to the real heavy apocalyptic staff but after all this is the maker faire and magicians are kinds of makers how many people here are our were have been a professional or amateur magicians in the past anybody their ego young person and my score in front of the four more young people now a young person are you an actual magician you just use a kit that's fine not as keen to build your own cabinet of wonder you're not you're not a wizard you don't practice real magic rights anybody hear an actual magician no it's actually very few magicians about two percent actually practice real real magic the rest are liars and show people and the reason for this is simple real magic is boring Duncan bakes the King of tricks is probably the most famous actual magic magician any perform his famous dove affected the Playboy mansion in nineteen eighty two and that they thought they made a big special added that it was those didn't do very well because of that Duncan takes about seven hours of nude meditation and sobbing hopeless wand work before he was finally able to produce a dove out of thin air and then the dove only lived for thirteen seconds because I was inside out no one wants to see this on TV and an also can see this at the Playboy mansion every night so does so if a magic show by contrast the pleasure is not in watching a dove scream itself to death no it is the puzzle of trying to figure out how did he or she do it so Houdini for example was one of the greatest stage magicians and escape artists of all time never claimed to have any super natural powers instead attributed his amazing feats of two breathing exercises stretching special devices and we are cabinets that the built up an effect is born without a collar he was really famous as you probably know for its famous the self tinning escape in which she he he he canned themself in a tin of sardines who is very simple trick on them on the on the surface he'll come out of the tuna sardines put it down on the table and his climb into it many would tin the program and the sardine can would shudder and I got scary because the hear Houdini to the voice was going help me I've made a terrible mistake a man cannot fit in the can and then the shuddering would stop then everyone in the audience to think oh he had died but then from the back of the audience to come strolling forward drenched in olive oil and nude it how did he do it this simple first of all lack of collar bone he could fit into the tin can and there is a trap door in the bottom of it he went through of the the backstage area and came out through the back there were sardines in the can but here's the trick they were alive but drugged the real trick is to get the time you write such that they awaken from their stupor precisely the moment you need the can to start shuddering and then and then they shudder in terror as they die but not Houdini it you may ask what did the outlook for the book listed being nude and drenched in olive oil have to do it the trick nothing your hand and to prove it to you then print out perform the same trip trick in mustard sauce a more elaborate and more contemporary than not very contemporary trick it's from Doug Henning from nineteen seventies eighteen seventy seven he performed his famous exploding unicorn illusion on ABC primetime furthermore children in this audience it the dude the graphic nature of the solution and my mentioning body parts pleas to the the don't sue me for naps children close cover your ears that no wind so worked up over this so in this allusion the famous comedian magician Doug Henning rides a beautiful white horse onto the stage this is how many of you who believe in unicorns he says is the crap in a certain number of people in the crowd applauds indicating that they do believing in the courts and yes thank you enough that that was in a prison that was just a little effort on it disappeared at that tend to real freedom whew it no spoilers please people who do not applaud indicating that they believe in unicorns are then removed from the theater and accounting says now that we got rid of those surpluses I'd like to share something very special with you because as you may not know only those who believe in unicorns can see in the courts my courts Rooney for example isn't she a beautiful bike course she looks like an ordinary beautiful white Canadian courts but if you're very quiet and if you truly believe she will show you something truly magical the audience is asked them to empty their minds and to think the leak your thoughts as the coming it's the only Canadian up a white satin sheets is draped over me Doug Henning smiles and walks back and forth across the stage doing the dishes death but guess what nothing happens what's the matter Hill's the canning why isn't it working he turns to the audience your thoughts on pure enough he accuses what's wrong with you watching more like Canadians this always works in Canada the audience feels ashamed it starts concentrating on pure and pure thoughts white snow innocence free healthcare the team tis is the beginning is about to yell at them again something happens the patrician begins to emerge from Moody's head underneath the second XI attendance minds he has misjudged the audience he pulls back the silk cloth to reveal this to me is now a unicorn the audience gasps and applause wildly they think the illusion is over then Doug Henning raises a hand wait a minute Cummings says a sense of disbelief or in the craft there in disbelief here having waits for a long time some performances it is said to be waited up to thirty minutes before someone in the audience finally reluctantly raise their hand in disbelief and at that very moment Clooney the unicorn explodes showering the audience with galore and horn charts Doug Henning sighs deeply you people don't deserve the unicorn and deep inside the audience knows St how it's done the first part of this classic trick this is simple case Mr action by costly referring to me as a she the impression is formed in the audience's mind that Rooney is a female sports however this is not the case Mooney is a stallion a male horse who over years of training has been conditioned to become aroused when covered with a white satin sheets and thus grow a horn on its head the this is how horses get directions sorta surprised you didn't know that already the second part of the trick is more complicated first of all let me reassure animal lovers in the audience that the horse in the solution is never actually excluded instead during the long awkward pause when Doug Henning is waiting for an unbeliever to reveal himself the darkening takes advantage of the audience's shame and sheepish glances at each other to replace me with the goats this is the financially and mutants goats with a single horn growing out of its head one of thousands that Doug tending east to breathe on his ranch in Alberta the ghost named to me it is amazing to look like a large forest by use of force perspective and to them and leg extensions and then once that this believer in the audience reveals himself but Clooney is then exploded using explosives I'm sorry I'm sorry if this upsets you animal lovers it is this a most people who would be upset by a horse being excluded on stage don't really care about him even cooking spray just the harsh reality of magic Preston is judged but many people wonder how it is possible for Doug Henning to find in the audience night after night one person who does not believe in unicorns city after city night after night the answer is relatively simple it's a disbelieving person in the audience is that the plants Henning Confederate the audience did deserve the unicorn after all this is that Doug Henning didn't want them to know this about themselves and that's why he is a master magician so that's a magic trick is one of their magic trick I'd like to tell you about to criss Angel ears the applicant the family Henson scumbags in the audience use of the criss Angel does he walks across a swimming pool well but to grow as people most Vegas freak out and use swear words but the real trick comments about this he does it on TV what's it is impossible to imagine criss Angel who is disgusting to look at could be a TV personality at best you think he could be a popular radio magician but here's how it's done criss Angel is not only a strange looking an unappealing person he dresses in an intensely stupid way and styles has fared very poorly all to increase the disbelief that what you're seeing on your TV is really happening that he's really there but but Chris Angel knows is that anyone can be on TV I am living proof now I imagine you're saying your cells thank you for the information on magic and sorcery actions but what about the end of the world that you are talking about earlier the coming global super apocalypse I like to call rock to rock that's what you're saying to yourself right now but what about that John will I survive right around probably not was just looses a cool cold here the audience and what I'd like you to do and what would you really think about this much coming coming along in this world of ours up how many of you may see some simple questions I just want to raise your hand if the answer is yes and try answering honestly for once can how many of you live in a home that is more than one thousand feet above sea mm at filling up a lot of you don't even know how many thousands of feet above sea level your home is ultimately if you don't live on a home that hasn't been above sea level how many of you have a home that is a houseboat that can float on a giant tsunami of plot it many of you live in Orem year the impact zone of the giant meteorite that show bring to this dimension the giant headless body of the jaw yet unknown right getting even you go if you go to the ER to the county seat look and then in the records I'll tell you if you're in the Amazon how many of you have a dog oh boy how many of you that received the Golden ticket to board one of Oprah Winfrey spacewalks the you may if you have one don't raise your hand you will be murdered for your golden tickets only I gather that only had about thirty of them were distributed all in copies of the pre love and I think they've all been sold and resold on e Bay over and over again at this point they so here's the situation you are all going to die but here's a good mix you are many of you carmakers right you not going to die right away because it's kilts his real skits you don't just consume you build things like cigar box he collects and quiz I function all steampunk iron man costume is the the marshmallow PVC cannons and dreadlocks these are the things they will help you to survive maybe seven weeks longer but don't get too excited ofcourse to be very happy because you know that when everyone you've ever known or cared about but before you party consider how we live in the world that follows right now in the complete claps of human civilization we going to grow your own food sorry the earth has been poisoned for thousand years and the only rain will fall is all pennies Leah scavenge for canned goods an abandoned supermarkets sorry no all that can openers were rendered useless by the likes of David it hit later than we expected the and weirdly was only for non computerized devices it we've finally relish some alone time some peace and quiet to finally read all those old books in the library that he wanted to read sorry you to step in your own glasses nerd now you die of irony and sepsis it the reality is that evolution merely speaking the very few of us have what it takes to survive so for those of you who make it to be on the Omega point the most of us will see let me give you some hints and tips about the things he'd be making in the future first of all I want to start courting your urine and your man is nobody disputes about which of these two things is better you need them both we can afford to fight amongst each other over this why here and well obviously been deleted it is a good nitrogen rich soil fertilizer that I am only content makes it perfect for cleaning your floors and your tenure dinner plates you can distill your intimate disgusting drinking water you can from engineering to make the meeting it you can use it it's a simple test to see if any of your survival bunker companions for stealing your asparagus you can fill a spray bottle with it can just spray people with it bands you can use it to evacuate toxins and other waste products from your own body so it's very helpful in that Manning's is not only highly caloric and shell stable it can also be used as a hair cleansers can conditioner and a lubricant a small machines they can beat intake of garbage bags and spread out on your lawn and then sprayed Manny's all over them to make dead fun man is like for children and if you just leave it in the sun one afternoon after sliding all over it the man is becomes a handy place dad on the face of Manny's can be a good short term albino mask here's the thing and this is absolutely true I've written a book you can use Manning use to clean urine stains out of wood like the floor of your urine workshop so I take sides but the advantage Manning's obviously now you may think that it's committee terrible after the rag now just because there's no government social services or hospital in your living in a burnt out bit of cold or if the fuel pile of food possibly fearing for your life it does not mean you have to live like an animal see that describes an animal's life nice forget many of the comforts of civilization that you remember can be easily replicated with just a little elbow grease which is creased made for me to now tell you how to make these things just a few things you might enjoy as with all of the recipes and instruction that I give in my book and in this presentation please do not make any of them until the justice system collapses because I do not want to deceive me so you're all the things that you can make it home so the do not have to go to Walmart and braved the Walmart clamps shampoo in the old days people used to make shampoo had a mixture of brown eggs rose water and vinegar now if you want to make itself more delicious to the candle gangs you may do that's I recommend just using a little dirt with mint and ask your friends at the fair with dreadlocks something to do it a big ego Walmart you enjoy buying a flat screen TV now what you do I make my own flat screen TV well it's true most flat screen TV is moving swiftly looted because they really do make the best chances but you can make one of your own by giving an old flat screen TV box and give an authentic but flat screen half by filling it with cement and then take your favorite scene from America's next top orders or whatever on it and then take some hallucinogenic drugs TV you can even use your new TV is a computer just little keyboard in front of it take a printout of your favorite porn on it and then remember everything in sight without a forty pound bag that no matter five hundred Pax of his lungs some the like to buy store get ten to fifteen pairs of Auckland colored Doc Martens boots cut them into strips dip them in honey and chew on them and finally how can you make your own as a home standard your own forty pound bag of frozen chicken nuggets simple first murder one or two hundred of your chickens and the feather and at this rate them in the standard man do not bother to take off the head first just put them in your chicken canon and fire them through some fine mesh razor wire catch all the flying me hope on the other side with some plastic sheeting and then discard the bones you may want to keep the witch bones because you can make that a delightfully creepy necklace of which bones which you can use in your survival bunker among your survival group and whoever wears it is the one who has the right to speak with me so handy tip next take all that separated me call and grind it in a fully fitted melt until it is a paste and a lot of salt and chicken flavor do not wash the Foley food mill instead save it for years salmonella garden before forming the Nuggets make sure to spray them the meat chicken ranch all over with a good anti bacterial agents such as ammonia or urine now using a pastry bag like the meat slurry into a greased not get mold pan and flash freeze with liquid nitrogen take the frozen it forms of the mold dust all over with trading insults and indeed for you can then eat them or if you wish for real big box flavor store them in a garbage bag good luck thank you very much for your kind attention the the the the